NH Dispatch from the Today's Hilarious and Depraved Romney-McCain Town Hall

I realized soon into today's Manchester Town Hall why John McCain had to endorse Mitt Romney. It never dawned on me before, but it seems that the senator from Arizona's wife shares a blonde helmet with Callista Gingrich. If forced to appear next to each other, one would have to wear a yellow mop bucket.

Head gear was in order at Manchester Central High School, where candidate Romney and his Pit bull McCain delivered a 2002-level dose of fear-mongering to a gymnasium more than half full of teens who were crapping their pants a decade ago, but for a much more sophisticated reason than conservatives were.

At first I was annoyed by the young people around me. I had fabric from my new winter hat stuck in my hair, and they were obviously making fun of me. Then I realized how hilarious they were – one was poking at Rick Perry (“What a dumbass!); another mocked the 80s music that led into the event; the girl next to me tore into Romney's jeans like a hair band wardrobe designer.

Speaking of references that are unfit for a high school crowd in 2012, props to Manchester Mayor Ted Gatsas for breaking out the first “Bo Knows This” zinger that I've heard since middle school. I assume that he's saving his “Waaaaaasssssssuuuuup” routine for the final stretch next week – either that or trying to top Herman Cain's Pokemon shoutout.

After sneaking past the issue of foreclosures – lamenting for less than 30 seconds that more than half of Arizona homes are under water before segueing into safer territory – McCain promptly launched into a two-fisted defense of military spending. All in all, there was much less time spent on the economy than there was boasting about the hawkish ideologies that bankrupted us.

This level of craziness continued right through the Q&A period – even though nearly every inquiry came from a hostile party. Mitt feels extremely comfortable in New Hampshire, and easily batted off a question on corporate personhood from an Occupy Boston activist, as well as a request from a proud Chinese-American woman to stop slandering her homeland (“What's the best country in the world?” Mitt rebutted).

Ultimately, though, I got the last laugh, as I noticed that John McCain was wearing a blue blazer with black slacks, while former New Hampshire Governor John Sununu had on blue pants with a black coat (intentional switcheroo – I think not!). I suppose that's why I come to Manchester; these rich old colorblind assholes might get to send poor people into combat and spend tax dollars on senseless wars, but at least once every four years I get to laugh right in their ugly faces.